My friend Andy— many people are saying he’s the best friend ever — gave me his hummus recipe.  It’s the best, and I wanted to make it for myself.  Because I’m the only one that matters.

Here’s the recipe:

16 oz. cooked garbanzo beans (chickpeas), rinsed and drained.

1/4 cup Lemon Juice.

3 Tbsp Tahini

3 Tbsp Virgin Olive oil.

one clove garlic, minced

salt and pepper to taste.

(Add’l water and oil as needed to achieve proper texture — go slow adding more, or you’ll end up with a Chickpea milkshake.)

Heh…Chickpee Milkshake.  I think that was on the menu at the Moscow Ritz-Carlton. Mmm… Chicopay-na Tay tay? Nell?  No one gets a Nell reference any more? That Tatum O’Neal’s the BEST! (Sir, that was Jodie Foster.)

Jodie Foster? FAKE NEWS!

Anyway, I don’t like chickpeas, so I used black beans.  I like the blacks. I only had lime juice, so I used that.  The store had Jewish Tahini and Muslim Tahini.  I’m not getting into a religio-sesame war, so I found some Greek Tzatziki sauce…that’s gotta be close? Good people, the Greeks. Some of them.

No olive oil, I only had Crisco. And I’m not much of a garlic guy, so I used onions instead.

I’m telling you, this Whackadoo Andy, this nutjob… who gives out recipes that don’t work? It tasted awful, and produced fire and fury — the likes of which the world has never known — from my blow-hole.   Lyin’ Hummus Hummer Andy.  It was the worst Hummus ever.  I’ll have to get someone to fire him for me.

I’m the best.

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(I hear the Blackeyed Peas and Dixie Chicks are forming a super group.  “The Blackeyed Dixie Chickpeas.”. Either that, or it’s a headline after Natalie Mains was hit so hard in the eye… you know, like the good old days when they’d carry ‘em out on a stretcher… she wet herself.) (Stephan Pastis will not use this in Pearls Before Swine.)