Narcissistic Hummus

My friend Andy— many people are saying he’s the best friend ever — gave me his hummus recipe.  It’s the best, and I wanted to make it for myself.  Because I’m the only one that matters.

Here’s the recipe:

16 oz. cooked garbanzo beans (chickpeas), rinsed and drained.

1/4 cup Lemon Juice.

3 Tbsp Tahini

3 Tbsp Virgin Olive oil.

one clove garlic, minced

salt and pepper to taste.

(Add’l water and oil as needed to achieve proper texture — go slow adding more, or you’ll end up with a Chickpea milkshake.)

Heh…Chickpee Milkshake.  I think that was on the menu at the Moscow Ritz-Carlton. Mmm… Chicopay-na Tay tay? Nell?  No one gets a Nell reference any more? That Tatum O’Neal’s the BEST! (Sir, that was Jodie Foster.)

Jodie Foster? FAKE NEWS!

Anyway, I don’t like chickpeas, so I used black beans.  I like the blacks. I only had lime juice, so I used that.  The store had Jewish Tahini and Muslim Tahini.  I’m not getting into a religio-sesame war, so I found some Greek Tzatziki sauce…that’s gotta be close? Good people, the Greeks. Some of them.

No olive oil, I only had Crisco. And I’m not much of a garlic guy, so I used onions instead.

I’m telling you, this Whackadoo Andy, this nutjob… who gives out recipes that don’t work? It tasted awful, and produced fire and fury — the likes of which the world has never known — from my blow-hole.   Lyin’ Hummus Hummer Andy.  It was the worst Hummus ever.  I’ll have to get someone to fire him for me.

I’m the best.


(I hear the Blackeyed Peas and Dixie Chicks are forming a super group.  “The Blackeyed Dixie Chickpeas.”. Either that, or it’s a headline after Natalie Mains was hit so hard in the eye… you know, like the good old days when they’d carry ‘em out on a stretcher… she wet herself.) (Stephan Pastis will not use this in Pearls Before Swine.)


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